"Slymm" Sean Shannon

Wear Black

24 January 2000, 15h13 Eastern Standard Time, CNN

[ Voice of James Earl Jones: This is a CNN Special Report.  Here is Bernard Shaw.]

Shaw: We have just received word from Stamford, Connecticut that former World Championship Wrestling stars Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddy Guerrero and Perry Saturn have all signed contracts with the World Wrestling Federation.  We go now live to Atlanta at Lee Memorial Hospital, and Wolf Blitzer.  Wolf?

Blitzer: Bernard, being at its side I knew you were about to cut in, as we have tragic news to report.  At approximately 3:10 in the afternoon of Monday, the 24th of January, 2000, World Championship Wrestling passed away from self-inflicted wounds.

[Cut-in to a photo of Ted Turner as "God Save the Queen" plays in the background.]

Shaw: To repeat, for those of you just joining us, WCW has died from self-inflicted wounds.  CNN will be continuing to cover this breaking story as it develops ...

Fast-forward to 27 January 2000, 10h00, CNN

[ Jones: This is a CNN Special: The Funeral of WCW.  Sponsored by Slim Jim: Snap into a Slim Jim, and America Online: So easy to use, no wonder it's number one.   Here now in our Atlanta studios are Bernard Shaw and Wolf Blitzer. ]

Shaw: Good morning everyone, and welcome to CNN's special coverage of WCW's funeral.  For the past five hours we have been bringing you coverage of everyone arriving at the funeral, including Ted Turner's two-mile walk from his offices here at One CNN Centre to Georgia Baptist Church, and following the funeral we will have another five hours of post-funeral coverage.  Here now is a live shot of the interior of Georgia Baptist Church, as we see Turner, the father of WCW, sitting next to the grandfather of WCW, David Crockett.  To Turner's right you see Jane Fonda, as this tragedy has brought the two of them together again if only for this fleeting moment.   Either that, or Jane really wants to see Ted suffering in his worst hour.

Blitzer: And this is another camera inside the interior of the church now, as we see Bret Hart, Goldberg, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Jeff Jarrett ... all left promotionless by this tragedy.  As newscasters sometimes we forget to cover the human aspect of this story, and while some of WCW's wrestlers will be able to find work in the WWF or ECW or even Japan, some of them ... will not be so lucky.

Shaw: Going back to the moments just before Ted Turner came in, I want to return to our special analyst, John Madden, of course the older brother of another victim of this tragedy, Mark Madden.  John, you wanted to show us something about Turner's arrival?

Madden: If we can go to the Telestrator, here's a slow-motion replay of Turner's last steps into the church, and you'll see (Madden starts making "chalk lines" on the replay) Ted and Jane give each other this brief glance - freeze it here!  (The replay stops.)  Jane turns her head and looks down - but why would she be looking at the ashtray?  If we roll the tape (the replay continues), you'll see a small hint of a smirk cross her lips.  Is she enjoying watching Ted at his worst?  Bernie?

Shaw: Thanks, John, as again we see a live shot of the interior of the church.  Of course there's been speculation these past few weeks that Benoit, Malenko, Guerrero and Saturn were all sleeping with Miss Fonda, and that it was the breakup of Turner and Fonda, more than Kevin Sullivan, that contributed to their defection, which was the fatal blow from WCW - hold on, Father Norman Ferguson of the Georgia Baptist Church has taken his place, I believe the funeral is about to st ...

Ferguson: We are gathered here this morning to pay tribute to World Championship Hindenburg Wrestling.  WCW, as she was known to her friends, was a fine promotion.  In an era where wrestling fans by and large were disgusted by the "sports entertainment" being pushed by the devil's spawn, WCW took a stand, and focused on workrate, on wrestlers giving their all in the ring.  Well, at least for a while, then they ... but I digress.

WCW was young, only ten years old at the time of her death.  Oh, she'd boast about how she was really born in 1903, but truth be told it was a fictional history she made up herself to make herself feel more important.  She was always coy like that, never letting on about her true nature.  'Tis a great shame that someone so young should perish, without her true identity ever being known to anyone.

It is said that the measure of a promotion can be found in its buyrates.  Indeed, WCW's impending death was clear to all those around her, but she never let on.  She was always like that, never wanting to be the focus of attention on her bad days, but always the life of the party when she was doing good.  But it is at our worst times that our true character shows through, and if there is anything to be learned by this horrible, horrible tragedy, it is that we must stay true to ourselves when all seems lost, and to remember what good there is about ourselves, and use that good for the betterment of Mankind, and other people as well.

Alas, WCW got caught up in her own internal struggles, and it is for this reason we are here today in this most tragic situation.  May god have mercy on your soul, WCW.

Shaw: Friar, I mean Father, Ferguson is now leaving the podium, and I understand Bret Hart has asked to have some words now.

Hart: I come before you today a sorrowed man.  I was only a good friend of WCW's in her final years, but I identified so strongly with her that it was like she was my best friend from childhood.  How she'd always prefer to go into the ring to settle a conflict rather than talk it all out, week after week.  And how she shied away from all the vulgarities and obscenities that are so popular with the heathens these days.  Well, then they brought Russo in and he blew that all to hell and nobody ...

... I'm ... sorry, I'm sorry, it's just that I'm really touched right now.   Indeed, this is a situation all too familiar to me, as it seems only a few short months ago I was burying someone else murdered by Vince McMahon ... DAMN YOU, VINCE, YOU KILLED MY BROTHER, YOU KILLED MY CAREER AND NOW YOU KILLED MY PROMOTION!  DAMN YOU, VINCE!  DAMN YOU TO HELL ... (other wrestlers come up and help Bret off the podium as he continues to curse McMahon.  When Bret fails to calm down and keeps yelling, "THEIR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!", he is whisked out of the church and into an awaiting car.)

Blitzer: I knew that was going to happen.

Shaw: As did we all.  Now Elton John is standing up and going to the piano.  I understand Ted Turner paid quite a handsome sum to Mr. John to re-adapt his classic "Candle in the Wind" for this tragic occassion, let's listen in.

Goodbye Turner's dream;
May we remember that last bout
You were the one that kept wrestling
When fans were calling out

You gave us decent workrate,
Without the soap operatic schlup
Then you brought in Vince Russo
And you fucked the whole thing up

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Without the sense to go inside
When the gusts came in

And so you got blown out real quickly
By Vince and Linda McMahon
So all your wrestlers are praying
That they are not shit-canned

"Where the Big Boys Play"
That empty phrase sold no more seats
No better than "We Wrestle"
And you'd never hear the feet

At the box office
Of people buying tix;
No one wants to pay to see
Old wrestlers suck each other's dicks

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Without the sense to go inside
When the gusts came in

And so you got blown out real quickly
By Vince and Linda McMahon
So all your wrestlers are praying
That they are not shit-canned

Goodbye Turner's dream;
From someone paid twelve million bucks
To rewrite one of his real old songs
And sing it to you fucks.

[Elton leaves, and Turner goes to the microphone.]

Turner: I just wanted to say a few words  ...

::KEE-RASH!::

Shaw: What is that - that's Stone Cold Steve Austin!  And Vince McMahon!  What is the meaning of ... HEY!  OOF!  (Sound of headset being removed and readjusted.)

Jim Ross: THE RATTLESNAKE!  THE RATTLESNAKE!  THE RATTLESNAKE!  BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!

Blitzer: YOU CAN'T DO ... UGH!  (Sound of headset being removed and readjusted.)

Jerry Lawler: WHOO-HOO!  LOOK AT FONDA'S PUPPIES!

(McMahon rips the microphone from the podium.)

McMahon: IT WAS ME, TED!  IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!  I was the one who orchestrated the AOL-Time Warner murger, and they just named me their new CEO, so now I own everything!  I own your networks, I own your sports teams, I OWN YOUR ASS!   And before any of you in attendance think of anything, I'm now the boss of pretty much each and every one of you!  So don't get any smart ideas!

(Austin takes the microphone from McMahon in one hand, and Ted Turner by his thin hair in the other.)

Austin: Now then, if you wanna see me whip the ass of this guy in the bad suit with the stupid mustache, give me a Hell Yeah!

Attendees: HELL YEAH!

(Austin kicks Turner in the gut and then ...)

JR: STUNNER!  STUNNER!  STUNNER!  THE RATTLESNAKE STRIKES AGAIN!

(McMahon covers Turner as Earl Hebner runs in.)

Attendees: ONE ...............

.............

.............

TWO ..........

..............

.............

THREE!!!

::DING DING DING DING DING::

(Howard Finkel now runs in and takes the microphone.)

Finkel: THE WINNER OF THE WAR ... AND ... ***NEW*** MEGALOMANIACAL BILLIONAIRES FEDERATION CHAMPION ... VINCE MCMAHON!

(Austin and McMahon crack some beers as the funeral comes to an end.)

And wouldn't you know it, I skipped playing Final Fantasy 7 for this, too ...

"Slymm" Sean Shannon reminds you all that he said Benoit was cursed - way back in his first nWWWo column.  Damn he's good, so e-mail him congratulations at his prognostication skills again at slymmfast@hotmail.com.

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